I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
