I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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