Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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