Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
