you would pick up someone in the library
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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