I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
