I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
