when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We just shotgunned beers for America
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
