So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
