The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
