I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
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you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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