If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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