your room smells of hookers.
And success
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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