too bad you live with your parents still
barbara walters just said penis...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
