I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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