I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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