Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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