soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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