she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
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Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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