You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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