saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
