dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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