I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
