The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
