totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My life is pants optional.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
