Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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