i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
