turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
