I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think my nap took me to another dimension
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
