Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
