i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
