It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
