chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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