He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
