theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So much rum. So many feels.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
