Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize