I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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