Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though