Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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