Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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