dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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