i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Randomize
