I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
