I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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