Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
