I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
