Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
