we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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