had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
