Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
