So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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