I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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