I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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