I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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